i need a new outlook.
where did the happy go lucky go?
where did the lets just chill and see what happens go?
just chill.
don’t go so fast.
seriously.  explore. relax. learn.
find what YOU want.  stop this planning and etc. etc. 
you can do whatever you want.  you are brilliant. 
keep you eye on the ball.
do whatever it takes to follow your dreams. 
night.

<3 hazel

recently i have been thinking about what i should be doing for the rest of my life.
i had been planning a major in management. until one day i was thinking why in the world am i going into management?  i hate networking! i hate working myself up and competing. i hate competition alot.  i am forcing myself to do this. and i don’t want to.  i just want the basics skills to run my own business.  i don’t need to major in management to do this.  what was i thinking.  i am gonna try to get a minor. plus maybe i can go to england.  that would be an amazing dream.  first though. i need to get a good job after four years so then i can start making money for my business. this is my main concern, money.  i can’t get loans. and who knows if i will be able to? besides loans are bad ideas.  but once again. this is only the beginning. alot can happen. and i’ll trust it will work out.  i want to get at least a master’s in psychology. i do want to get my doctors. i wonder if there is a therapy based one.  i need to do lots of research. on this rehabilitation center i want to build.  its gonna be huge.  a community for people to live together and rebuild there lives in a different way.  our society is so horrible.  all the therapists don’t really listen and always think there patients are crazy. i want to reach out to anyone and everyone. no problem is too big or too small.  it would a place for people that are depressed, suffering eating disorders, addictions of any kind, obsessions, physical pain and side effects, even acne, and other problems people are dealing with.  this place will offer support and friendships and a new way to look at life.  our society has transformed into this disgusting way of life.  its all about competition and becoming better, its about gettting our every desire and need met at the exact second, its about trying to fit into these standards or “boxes” that are impossible to fit inside of, its about eating fast food cuz we are too lazy, and then constantly being entertained by tv,moves, magazines, and other people’s lives. ACK! its enough to drive us all crazy.  as a very analytical person who has learned from her own short life experience. our society has created a million problems!  what happened to enjoying life? we are only alive for such a short time.  we all have a choice in how we live. choose the way that is best for you.  finding the way can be difficult and many people get confused and encounter the problems i talked about above. and more then i missed, i am thinking of some more like a.d.d, drugs and alcohol, sex.  and this is just a ramble so i won’t get too detailed. anyway i think that life should focus on creating a life for yourself.  like making a sewing or gardening, eating GOOD food.  which will help your weight, acne, and stress, and just genuinely feel better about yourself.  2nd we are bombarded w/ information overload! seriously who wants to be involved in one million things, while working, and going to school?  our brain can’t not function as well when we overload it. not only is the function worse, it adds STRESS. which causes millions of problems and people as we try to cope, find new ways to deal like overeating, smoking, drinking, drugs, sex, being distracted by media, etc etc.  3rd we are so busy with our lives that we can’t truly enjoy life, the beautiful earth, dance, art, music. whatever are heart desires.  we should focus on living in harmonios and relaxing ways.  i propose that people will come to me and i will share my wonderful words of wisdom. and create a program for two weeks. since…this is how long it takes to kick old habits…generally.  where i will focus on people’s general problem. and show the best way to effectively deal with it.  a new way of life, different from our society.  therapy.  massage.  i will have that too.  people need to chill out.

this would be my perfect job, because. 1. i love analyzing people. 2. i love studying it.  3. i myself understand and have experiences most of above.  3. i love studying the arts.  4. i myself want to create a lifestyle like the one i have described and imagine.  4. i love helping others.

next list: more research. is the plausable? better focus? get my doctors for sure. specifically what tho?
so many questions! yet i do have time.

if i can make this dream come to reality. that would be beautiful.

<3.  hazel

this is my time.

today i felt lonely. like something was missing.

i need to learn.  im not done.

i forgot how to live.

somedays i blame it all on my parents.

im gonna have to talk to them. and explain.

relax. live on the edge.  remember how to do that?

remember? that was soo much more fun.

she wouldn’t want you to be soo angry.

time is short.  snatch up every day chances.

every day is one more day.  one more day to achieve who you really want to be.

sometimes your analyzing is a weakness.  seriously.

1.  everyone is beautiful in there own way.

2. remember how to go with the flow? well remember.

3.find my beauty…and blossom.

that is why i am here.

that is why.

breathe.  <3

i have no idea what i want to do.

i need to make money.  i am very tempted to just work for a while.

and make hella money.  or transfer to hamline?

hmm. that might be sweet. but i need money.  i’d have to go back to fargo for that?

but money will take a long time to get. cuz i need a car.  i should really get a car.  a crappy 2,000 car

just something to get me around. then insurance and gas. prolly about a little more then a 100 a month.

then. if i got an apartment that would prolly be about 200 a month depending…if i lived w/ someone and where i lived….i need to get my feet on the ground.

i depend so much on other people. i hate it. very badly.  …next semester if it gets bad enough. im gonna work for that other telemarketing place. ha. hopefully won’t have to.  but i need to save.

brb. biolife?

today i feel confused. lost.
i want to change my major.
im sick of not having a job.
im tempted to go home. get an apartment. and transfer to msum/ndsu ?
can’t believe i said that. but seriously.  jobs here suck.
i need to get that library job.  they have pracs in fargo. I can work at sunmart. or get an even  better job.
idk. mb it would be bad.  i need money. to stay independent from my parents.  and i’d have to stay here at least a year anyway.  i guess i’ll see.  make the best of it.  find yourself.
there are some things that i know i want.

i want to help people by making a difference in their life. by helping them with money, there business or helping them with whatever knowledge i posess.
I want to know something that few people know, i want to have prestige. I have an extremely good work ethic and want something that is very rewarding. yet i want it to be something that i enjoy. I don’t know exactly what i like.  i need to take, accounting, computer, economics classes. i really wanna be well-rounded tho i want to know everything.  i have so many weaknesses. i guess i can read in my spare time.
i want to stay on top of things and keep informed. right now i feel so blah.

im gonna bull shit this paper, pick accouting/financial analyst. seriously. hahha you can analyze good.  you’ll get a very good grade.  get it out of the way.  then focus on reading developmental psych to prepare for the paper.  stop overwhelming yourself. chill and find books. research new things that you want to learn.
decide who you want to vote for. dont’ be afraid to question things.  blahh.

1. i like to know whats going on.
2. I like to know what im talking about.
3. I like to keep myself healthy, but understanding nutrition and vitamins. seriously i want to take human anatomy.  so much to know!
4. i like to challenge myself.

you can handle this. breathe. find what you really like.

you can do it.  you really are brilliant.

go to sleep.

<3 hazel.  relax.

i think i feel anxious today.

i need to breathe.  i feel sorta overwhelmed with emotions.

I have lots to focus on. i wish i had more time to waste.

there is so much i want to find.i want to find myself more.

i feel kinda anxious. and keep thinking around and around in circles.

i just want to cry.  i feel like im doing nothing.  i need to get a better schedule.

i need to wake up earlier tomorrow. and study more.

school is my life now.  i always need to improve?

breathe. everything is okay.

god. going home is stressful.

all the emotion, the pain, fuck.

I’ve missed him a lot….

but seriously? i can’t be dragged down by him.

I don’t understand how smart people can be so dumb.

talking on the phone..reminded me again of it all.

i guess people do what they got to do, what makes them happy?

i don’t think i can take being this close to him….

it hurts to much to leave. idk what im doing. help.

being away made me realize how much my friends really do bring me down.

they are downers. insecure. think everything is lame.

think boys are the only excitement. why?

where is the fun in living? in doing whatever we want?

i just want laid back, normal friends. thats what i want more than anything.

i want normal friends.

i want to be free to do as i wish.

i want to keep my life on track and not let things like people or substances bring me down.

going back home, everyone and everything is tearing me down…my friends, my family, my ex.

seriously?  why me?

im soooo glad i got away.  but now im going back home and have to deal with it all.

this is why i liked josh soo much.  its such a nice change of pace.

this is why i missed kim so much.  i must make time for them.  i must.  and my family…

i can’t hang out with him too much….too painful.  we need to talk.

about what?  i don’t know. lets sort. im gonna have a lot of emotion when i see him so i got to take it slow…

1. what is he doing?

2.  doing drugs extremely bad, if its your focus on life.

3.  how important am i?  really?  seriously?

4. need 100 percent honesty…otherwise everything will end forever.  no second chances.

5. consider us together, but can see other people?  ha

should i continue to hope and wish for a future? am i shooting myself in the foot?

he’s always said do what i want, and he will always love me.

do i think logically with my heart? i choose to pick logic, cept my heart always wins in the end.  sigh.

i need something to bring me up. i need honesty. i need truth. i need realness.

i need safety. i love him cuz he’s safe, and he makes me smarter/better person. he’s real.  he keeps my standards high. he makes me feel good/happy.  he’s my best friend. and so far this distance thing has been good..its helped challenge our relationship already.  every trial has brought us closer together.

i need to be able to trust him even when we aren’t together.
i need him to get his life together..and create stability.

i need them to be solid in order to know.

ok, talk about that. and wow its weird. now i realize why i wanted to

get away so badly.  i had all these weights on me….i can feel them climbing on again.

i can’t fly for one weekend.  sadly im excited for this pain?

i think i overwhelm myself.
i expect too much.
want to much.
i need to focus my energies on less.
i tend to want too much.
and then everything else gets pushed.
i can’t do it all.
you need to narrow your priorities.
there is so much for me to explore!
want do i really want? that is the BIG question….
lets think…ramble…whatever i got to do to figure this out.
school is good. i need to get a good education for a good job.
very good.  so good grades and acceptance into the school.
ok. i also need a good resume. for a good job when i get out.
macy’s would be actually pretty sweet to get a job for….its a good company.
i need to be involved in about two clubs…strongly.  right now i should explore and keep my options open.
but try to find a focus of about two or three or whatever works best.
all this looks good and prepares me for jobs out of college.
i need to save money…for england. this is an amazing opportunity that i can’t pass up.  i just can’t.
ok. school. job. clubs. build up resume and skills.  sigh. i guess thats the best route.
oooh and running.

i wish i had time to paint/draw/read/dance so badly.  i guess i’ll have to enjoy the moments i have.

i got to have something to look forward too later in life….

peace.

hazel <3

music is the essence of my mood.

i like happy music, the most.

it just changes me, my mood, it gives me independence.

it gives me the freedom to control my mood.\

i feel artistic and and feel like creating myself more.

*sigh* if only i can time.  and you need your space these next few days

cuz otherwise this weekend will not be fun….

im just tired. and mb a little stressed. ok rethink/reorganize now.

1. fill out job applications and return.
2. get AAA batteries.
3. study math
4.get $30
5. SIFE-5:30
6.  WORK ON HOMEWORK
7. get more water….
8. sleep…zzzz

i had a pretty good day.  once again i’ll do it all over again. 

i’ve got to embrace myself.

embrace my individuality.

somedays i hardly know what i really like.

i hardly know who i relaly want to be.

im tired.

i wanna feel beautiful

i wanna be smart

i wanna be successful

i wanna not care always.

i wanna be free.

hi im hazel lynn. somedays i don’t know who i really am.  I like acoustic types of music.  i like hard rock.  i like pop. i like to dance around. i like to dance and be free. i like to express myself in different ways.  i like to spend money. but current i hate shopping.  i hate the feeling of not being good enough. i hate comparing myself to others and always beating myself up where i am short. why don’t i look at my good qualities? instead of focusing on the bad.  I’ve endured enough heartbreak and tears to conquer anything.  i’ve pushed on.  i’m brilliant and people can open up to me.  I can sympathize.  i am graceful. i am beautiful.  i enjoy little things, like reading and painting.  i like to make stuff.  i like to be resourceful yet i like to waste my money. (ok so thats not that good)  i like to make myself a better person. i need to stop trying to improve myself. im never gonna be perfect.  be who i want to be.

i want to be outgoing.
i want to have lots of friends and a few close ones.
i want to be a dancer.
i want to paint.
i want to run.
i want to listen to my music cuz i love it.
i want to work hard to get to my dreams.
i want to be insanely smart/brilliant.
i want to see the world in ways other people can’t

Dear God,

Somedays I don’t know if you really exist. But i have something  to ask you.
i prayed for you to make me stronger. I prayed for you to break me, change me, make me in the person im REALLY supposed to be.  but i don’t feel like i have anything to really live for. I hardly know what i like. Im not really a runner, a dancer, a painter, im nowhere close to looking like a model, im not even that smart.  im just average. i hate being FUCKING average. i know i have these things i like, but there’s so many i want them all, but i can’t strenthen them all.  i try to have them all, but maybe i can’t. anyway God, show me.  help me become me. i want to know me.  i want to know the real me. i want to know my values and beliefs. i want to know. i want to know. sooooooooooooon.