outlook.

i need a new outlook.
where did the happy go lucky go?
where did the lets just chill and see what happens go?
just chill.
don’t go so fast.
seriously.  explore. relax. learn.
find what YOU want.  stop this planning and etc. etc. 
you can do whatever you want.  you are brilliant. 
keep you eye on the ball.
do whatever it takes to follow your dreams. 
night.

<3 hazel

thinking/dreaming.

recently i have been thinking about what i should be doing for the rest of my life.
i had been planning a major in management. until one day i was thinking why in the world am i going into management?  i hate networking! i hate working myself up and competing. i hate competition alot.  i am forcing myself to do this. and i don’t want to.  i just want the basics skills to run my own business.  i don’t need to major in management to do this.  what was i thinking.  i am gonna try to get a minor. plus maybe i can go to england.  that would be an amazing dream.  first though. i need to get a good job after four years so then i can start making money for my business. this is my main concern, money.  i can’t get loans. and who knows if i will be able to? besides loans are bad ideas.  but once again. this is only the beginning. alot can happen. and i’ll trust it will work out.  i want to get at least a master’s in psychology. i do want to get my doctors. i wonder if there is a therapy based one.  i need to do lots of research. on this rehabilitation center i want to build.  its gonna be huge.  a community for people to live together and rebuild there lives in a different way.  our society is so horrible.  all the therapists don’t really listen and always think there patients are crazy. i want to reach out to anyone and everyone. no problem is too big or too small.  it would a place for people that are depressed, suffering eating disorders, addictions of any kind, obsessions, physical pain and side effects, even acne, and other problems people are dealing with.  this place will offer support and friendships and a new way to look at life.  our society has transformed into this disgusting way of life.  its all about competition and becoming better, its about gettting our every desire and need met at the exact second, its about trying to fit into these standards or “boxes” that are impossible to fit inside of, its about eating fast food cuz we are too lazy, and then constantly being entertained by tv,moves, magazines, and other people’s lives. ACK! its enough to drive us all crazy.  as a very analytical person who has learned from her own short life experience. our society has created a million problems!  what happened to enjoying life? we are only alive for such a short time.  we all have a choice in how we live. choose the way that is best for you.  finding the way can be difficult and many people get confused and encounter the problems i talked about above. and more then i missed, i am thinking of some more like a.d.d, drugs and alcohol, sex.  and this is just a ramble so i won’t get too detailed. anyway i think that life should focus on creating a life for yourself.  like making a sewing or gardening, eating GOOD food.  which will help your weight, acne, and stress, and just genuinely feel better about yourself.  2nd we are bombarded w/ information overload! seriously who wants to be involved in one million things, while working, and going to school?  our brain can’t not function as well when we overload it. not only is the function worse, it adds STRESS. which causes millions of problems and people as we try to cope, find new ways to deal like overeating, smoking, drinking, drugs, sex, being distracted by media, etc etc.  3rd we are so busy with our lives that we can’t truly enjoy life, the beautiful earth, dance, art, music. whatever are heart desires.  we should focus on living in harmonios and relaxing ways.  i propose that people will come to me and i will share my wonderful words of wisdom. and create a program for two weeks. since…this is how long it takes to kick old habits…generally.  where i will focus on people’s general problem. and show the best way to effectively deal with it.  a new way of life, different from our society.  therapy.  massage.  i will have that too.  people need to chill out.

this would be my perfect job, because. 1. i love analyzing people. 2. i love studying it.  3. i myself understand and have experiences most of above.  3. i love studying the arts.  4. i myself want to create a lifestyle like the one i have described and imagine.  4. i love helping others.

next list: more research. is the plausable? better focus? get my doctors for sure. specifically what tho?
so many questions! yet i do have time.

if i can make this dream come to reality. that would be beautiful.

<3.  hazel

too many things.

i think i overwhelm myself.
i expect too much.
want to much.
i need to focus my energies on less.
i tend to want too much.
and then everything else gets pushed.
i can’t do it all.
you need to narrow your priorities.
there is so much for me to explore!
want do i really want? that is the BIG question….
lets think…ramble…whatever i got to do to figure this out.
school is good. i need to get a good education for a good job.
very good.  so good grades and acceptance into the school.
ok. i also need a good resume. for a good job when i get out.
macy’s would be actually pretty sweet to get a job for….its a good company.
i need to be involved in about two clubs…strongly.  right now i should explore and keep my options open.
but try to find a focus of about two or three or whatever works best.
all this looks good and prepares me for jobs out of college.
i need to save money…for england. this is an amazing opportunity that i can’t pass up.  i just can’t.
ok. school. job. clubs. build up resume and skills.  sigh. i guess thats the best route.
oooh and running.

i wish i had time to paint/draw/read/dance so badly.  i guess i’ll have to enjoy the moments i have.

i got to have something to look forward too later in life….

peace.

hazel <3

embrace.

i’ve got to embrace myself.

embrace my individuality.

somedays i hardly know what i really like.

i hardly know who i relaly want to be.

im tired.

i wanna feel beautiful

i wanna be smart

i wanna be successful

i wanna not care always.

i wanna be free.

hi im hazel lynn. somedays i don’t know who i really am.  I like acoustic types of music.  i like hard rock.  i like pop. i like to dance around. i like to dance and be free. i like to express myself in different ways.  i like to spend money. but current i hate shopping.  i hate the feeling of not being good enough. i hate comparing myself to others and always beating myself up where i am short. why don’t i look at my good qualities? instead of focusing on the bad.  I’ve endured enough heartbreak and tears to conquer anything.  i’ve pushed on.  i’m brilliant and people can open up to me.  I can sympathize.  i am graceful. i am beautiful.  i enjoy little things, like reading and painting.  i like to make stuff.  i like to be resourceful yet i like to waste my money. (ok so thats not that good)  i like to make myself a better person. i need to stop trying to improve myself. im never gonna be perfect.  be who i want to be.

i want to be outgoing.
i want to have lots of friends and a few close ones.
i want to be a dancer.
i want to paint.
i want to run.
i want to listen to my music cuz i love it.
i want to work hard to get to my dreams.
i want to be insanely smart/brilliant.
i want to see the world in ways other people can’t

Dear God,

Somedays I don’t know if you really exist. But i have something  to ask you.
i prayed for you to make me stronger. I prayed for you to break me, change me, make me in the person im REALLY supposed to be.  but i don’t feel like i have anything to really live for. I hardly know what i like. Im not really a runner, a dancer, a painter, im nowhere close to looking like a model, im not even that smart.  im just average. i hate being FUCKING average. i know i have these things i like, but there’s so many i want them all, but i can’t strenthen them all.  i try to have them all, but maybe i can’t. anyway God, show me.  help me become me. i want to know me.  i want to know the real me. i want to know my values and beliefs. i want to know. i want to know. sooooooooooooon.

no idea where to begin.

I don’t even know where to start writing. People are strange, pathetic beings.
today.  all i know is that i wasn’t happy so i am changing that.  I need to do whats right for me.
I need to learn that following my heart and looking at me is what i need to do for me.  you can only know who you are and what you want and be able to follow your own path.  I know basically the type of person i want to be, the type of person i want to portray.  i don’t want to change myself for anyone.  anyone.  i need to promise myself that.  you know writing is my least favorite thing.  i hate papers/essays/anything that considers a great deal of writing. but i love writing on my own like free like this.  i feel like a real human being when i write. i don’t know why, but it gives me something to have/remember.  i like keeping memories. lol remember you xanga?  and whenever your mom got close to finding it you would delete it and make a new one, but you were so afraid of all the trouble you’d get in if she found it.  and then you got caught and you life was eventually revealed. that entire horrible event sucks, just thinking about it. its a HUGE part of why we never got along.  why it was such a painful 4 years.  now im here, older, wiser, more mature, ready for new friendships.  i think this last year i forgot what is was like be a real friend and have another real friend in return.  i was really focused on me, which is good because you have to think about yourself but you can’t make yourself the only priority all the time.  i need to learn to be a good friend again. i’ve always listened to my friends and watched them do their thing. and i’ve had my share of mistakes, and im sure i’ve been just like them. and they’d get jealous and wish they could do things like me or whatever, but really you have to get over that jealousity.  everyone is different. everyone has their ups and downs.  you have to confindence in yourself. and know you are unique and beautiful.  but

in reality i have to be alone and leave everyone so i can truly know who i am.  truly.  i hate looking at others and being like i should do that. bla bla etc etc!  thats why i wrote that picture of me.  i know its not done and a personality cant be set. i’ll be always changing, always growing.  nothing stays the same.  your constantly becoming better, faster, stronger everyone has their own pace.  i hate being behind tho.  i want to be real. people are them now? idk, i wonder.  not everyone i guess.  i guess me is studying, learning, improving, analyzing, working out. or at least something like that.  these things are all very important to me. but something i need to fit in all of that is having fun and making new relationships. letting people into my life

.  instead of pushing them out.not everything can fit in such a packed life.  thats why im not gonna work so much.  itsy bitsy part of my life now.  im not lazy. its just what i got to do now.

new thought.  my best friend.  mb i pushed her away. cuz we are sometimes

so opposite and i wanted to find me.  and i didn’t have time to find me.  i constantly forced myself to get good grades, hang with my boyfriend, dance, work out, make money to pay for everything/ and somehow have ONE day to hang out with my friends that i didn’t even like or got tired of hanging out wi

th. i disappeared.
i try to not let my friends influence me at all and actually its not the actual influence its well idk now i forgot.  how is she? idreally know nor do i understand.  life is what you make it.  thats all i can say/think.  you can really make it into whatever you want.  you need the optismism belief encouragement to make it all happen.  its magic.  honestly its happened so much its numbing and it doesnt’ surprise me.  she wants love. she wants something. she can’t find it.

picture of me.

somedays i like to just picture myself.

exactly who i want to be.

I think im slowly getting there.

its kinda fun.  i can do/be whoever/whatever i want.

everything just + and = me.

acoustic music.
art.
school.
business.
computers.
biking.
dancing.
running.
vitamins.
books.
newspaper.
painting.
analyzing.
long ripped jeans.
t-shirts.
never say never.
blue-eyed.
modern.
hardcore.
creative.
england.
dreamer.
determined.
artistic.
stubborn.
alternative/emo/indie.
coffee.
minty gum.
sensitive.
organized messy.
airplane.
magazines.
: ) me. and im happy to see me.  for me.

ooooo! eggs and cottage cheese. ; )

hopeless

that is kinda how i feel today.

i think my problem is that im afraid to be hungry.

i get so angry or pissed when im hungry.

i work out and run, but i just ate too many damn cookies.

i prolly even out my eating and working out.

i just feel bloated and huge.

i feel like i didn’t do too bad of a job today

but i didn’t take my pills….

i took some laxatives…

i barely cleaned my room….

and are sitting here w/ a pounding headache and can’t wait to fall asleep and get up at 8 in the morning to go running.

this is prolly the biggest i’ve ever been, i still only weigh 130. but i do have lots of muscle. its just my damn stomach. all that sugar in there.  : (

oh and i did’t put on an lotion, i didn’t buy anything that i needed, im too lazy to bike somewhere (since im trying not to use my car)

this computer is the only distraction i have from not eating.

im too tired to move, i don’t even want to take my contacts out.

im going to my therapist on thrusday, i can’t wait. i have so much to talk about.

im trying to change my mind set. i just feel like i get nothing done, but i did so much today.

everyday is never enough.

i worked non-stop for 8 hours and then danced for two and then biked and went running. and i started a load of clothes wich are half-done and im not gonna get them in the done til prolly tomorrow night cuz i work tomorrow and have dance.

its like i eat cuz im bored or i eat cuz im stressed cuz i can never do enough so i eat and forget it.

1. i need to wash my towels and work clothes.

2. and put them away.

3. i need to decide what i need to buy

4. i need to balance my checkbook

5. i need to get my music on here.

6. i need to get NEW music cuz im so damn bored of the music i have.

7. i need to get a good schedule going.

8. i won’t feel satisfied until i ACTUALLY do it for a week

9. and actually feel okay about my body.

10. i don’t even want to hang out w/ ppl when i feel like this

11.  mb that’s y i’ve lost so many friends

12. i used to be so nervous, i couldn’t eat

13. now, im not so i eat eat eat, just to eat even if its like nothing that good

14. i get to the point where i don’t care what it is, i just want it.

15. but today you had 3 meals and a snack and a healthy snack but not very good timing and a bit too much, plus it wasted ur money. : (

16. otherwise ur ok.

17. plan for tomorrow:

a. wake up at 8 and go running

b. home at 9 and go to work at   10:30

c. breakfast TWO eggs and an orange

d. bring a smart ones to work for lunch

e. drink lots of water, buy another jug

f. after dance, eat supper.

g.  try to either run, get stuff done, or hang out with someone to keep busy.  the rest of the night.  : )

tomorrow i’ll update and tell u how i did.  i mostly need to avoid unhealthy snacking so im trying to eat 3 meals!

i hate my stomach hurts tho. it makes me want to eat to take it away.

i need to find something to replace eating.  idk what that would be, smoking? no i want to live a HEALTHIER lifestyle, that might be an easy alternative, but i could get addicted……

sigh, i need to address the issue that i CAN’T be perfect. and i’ll never be happy unless i get into my head that i should stop trying, but i always want to be better and get better. i mean why not??

sigh.

good night

hazel lynn ; {

You can often measure a person by the size of their dream.

I need to keep my life focused on my dreams.

I need to keep it headed in a direction.

Im not sure what i want to be, but i have many ideas. and im prepared to work hard whereever i end up.

1.get my pilot’s license. (i know i can do this next year, or least start)

2. run a marathon.

3. try different types of dance. i.e. modern and hip hop (already got modern now)

4.  this next year im gonna work as hard as i  can to get the best grades possible.  hopefully i can graduate college with honors or something.  since i didn’t in high school im gonna try now. : )

5.  stop always thinking about yourself, love other people.  make em feel special.

well as i look at this list.  i see im on my way to reaching my dreams and as i come up with more, i’ll work on how to accomplish those.

“One of the greatest weaknesses in most of us is our lack of faith in ourselves.”

I think i have a lot of strength and belief in myself.  there is so much i want to do.

Everyday i want to reach to more unknown places of myself, and truly find myself and what i believe.

a. who to vote for?

b. where do i stand on political issues?

ie. healthcare, social security, enviroment, women’s rights, legalizing marijuana, etc.

c.  where do stand with religion?

d.  who should i help?  who should i focus my time on reaching out to?

well that’s all for now.

Hazel Lynn

Trying….

Here I am.

Im not sure today what I want.

As of today, Im struggling alot.

Im afraid of food.  I NeEd to get back into control of my life.

everyday i make an effort to change and less then a week i fall back into old habits?

i hope this week will be different and the week after that.

I feel like i can never be completely happy with myself.

Sometimes I don’t like hanging with my friends, I just have so much else on my mind.

I need to have people in my life, I don’t know how to have lots of people and do lots of stuff with also having my own time.  I need to become me.  one hundred percent.  that is my goal.  to do and be and live how i want to.

i’ve learned alot in high school. i’ve learned that friends aren’t everything. and that in the end you need to follow your heart cuz what you want matters the most.  its your life, don’t let friends hold you back.

i think im a little bitter towards people because i feel like so many people have hurt me.  just sometimes people make me angry.  well i’ll show them.  im everything there not and people are just jealous of me.

somedays i look back at how life used to be before it turned so different.  i was such a different person just exploring life for how it really is and then i found out that having fun isn’t everything and trusting your friends with every little detail is wayy too far and you gotta be careful.  I just wanted to always be doing something, and i didn’t want to work, i didn’t care what i looked like, i wore the crappiest clothes, i barely rolled outta bed.  how did i have a boyfriend??  i just wanted to live and not worry about anything, and i think that made me a lot happier.   i had some many more friends too, the next year everyone just thought of me as a bitch.  wtf happened? wow. i think i care way too much about my appearance now.  damn. well now i can’t stop.

skinny.eat.fuck.eat more. run.run.run.need money.neeed.need.come on. harder. faster. get it done. eat.eat.eat.shit.shit.run.run.wtf is wrong. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$

that’s my brain. and i get pissy if anything gets in my way.  gotta be a beauty. gotta be smarter. gotta be skinnier.  gotta be fucking perfect.

i can’t make it.  shove that face. you’ll never make it.  you suck. eat. eat. eat more.

how can i dig myself outta this hole?

sometimes it feels like  im addicted to a drug.

ok your going overboard.

1. you are NOT overweight. you’ve just put on a little weight.

2.  your gonna RUN for at least 20 minutes.

3. EAT 3 meals a day. WITH FRUIT OR VEGGIES ONLY IN-BETWEEN.

4. NO MORE binging on sweets!  indulge on little occassions.

5. you ARE NOT fat so you can have some sweets/fats. DON’T OVERDO AND DON’T LET IT REPLACE A MEAL.

6.  you are fucking beautiful and you know it.

7.  controlling my eating habits and getting a good routine will make me feel MUCH better about myself.

8. you are brilliant.  you WANT to be smart and already are.  you have nothing to worry about.

9. learn my faults and work on them.

10.  communication, learn how to do it.better.

11.  try not to get anxious about life.  do what you got to do.

12.  think about other people.

Hi, My name is Hazel Lynn.  I want to have an amazing life, filled with love and happiness.  I want to be content with who i am. i want to look at my life and say i did it all.  I want to have no regrets.  I want to find my best friend. i want to find that perfect career.  i want to look back and say i did it.

this blog is to help me get there, by telling myself one day at a time and looking at my life and how and what i’ve got to change so i don’t miss the mark.