Trying….

Here I am.

Im not sure today what I want.

As of today, Im struggling alot.

Im afraid of food.  I NeEd to get back into control of my life.

everyday i make an effort to change and less then a week i fall back into old habits?

i hope this week will be different and the week after that.

I feel like i can never be completely happy with myself.

Sometimes I don’t like hanging with my friends, I just have so much else on my mind.

I need to have people in my life, I don’t know how to have lots of people and do lots of stuff with also having my own time.  I need to become me.  one hundred percent.  that is my goal.  to do and be and live how i want to.

i’ve learned alot in high school. i’ve learned that friends aren’t everything. and that in the end you need to follow your heart cuz what you want matters the most.  its your life, don’t let friends hold you back.

i think im a little bitter towards people because i feel like so many people have hurt me.  just sometimes people make me angry.  well i’ll show them.  im everything there not and people are just jealous of me.

somedays i look back at how life used to be before it turned so different.  i was such a different person just exploring life for how it really is and then i found out that having fun isn’t everything and trusting your friends with every little detail is wayy too far and you gotta be careful.  I just wanted to always be doing something, and i didn’t want to work, i didn’t care what i looked like, i wore the crappiest clothes, i barely rolled outta bed.  how did i have a boyfriend??  i just wanted to live and not worry about anything, and i think that made me a lot happier.   i had some many more friends too, the next year everyone just thought of me as a bitch.  wtf happened? wow. i think i care way too much about my appearance now.  damn. well now i can’t stop.

skinny.eat.fuck.eat more. run.run.run.need money.neeed.need.come on. harder. faster. get it done. eat.eat.eat.shit.shit.run.run.wtf is wrong. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$

that’s my brain. and i get pissy if anything gets in my way.  gotta be a beauty. gotta be smarter. gotta be skinnier.  gotta be fucking perfect.

i can’t make it.  shove that face. you’ll never make it.  you suck. eat. eat. eat more.

how can i dig myself outta this hole?

sometimes it feels like  im addicted to a drug.

ok your going overboard.

1. you are NOT overweight. you’ve just put on a little weight.

2.  your gonna RUN for at least 20 minutes.

3. EAT 3 meals a day. WITH FRUIT OR VEGGIES ONLY IN-BETWEEN.

4. NO MORE binging on sweets!  indulge on little occassions.

5. you ARE NOT fat so you can have some sweets/fats. DON’T OVERDO AND DON’T LET IT REPLACE A MEAL.

6.  you are fucking beautiful and you know it.

7.  controlling my eating habits and getting a good routine will make me feel MUCH better about myself.

8. you are brilliant.  you WANT to be smart and already are.  you have nothing to worry about.

9. learn my faults and work on them.

10.  communication, learn how to do it.better.

11.  try not to get anxious about life.  do what you got to do.

12.  think about other people.

Hi, My name is Hazel Lynn.  I want to have an amazing life, filled with love and happiness.  I want to be content with who i am. i want to look at my life and say i did it all.  I want to have no regrets.  I want to find my best friend. i want to find that perfect career.  i want to look back and say i did it.

this blog is to help me get there, by telling myself one day at a time and looking at my life and how and what i’ve got to change so i don’t miss the mark.